Love is
by amazed with life
Summary: What is love?
1. Chapter 1

What is love? Is it that feeling you get when you see him? Is it that tingling in your cheek when he kisses it? Is it how dizzy you get by that certain smile that he does that you just can't get enough of? Is it everything good in the world?

Or is it how much it hurts when he ignores you? Is it all the fights you've gotten in? Is it the skank who wants him when he's yours? Is it that slap across the cheek you gave him? Or is it the fact that he just yelled at you for no apparent reason?

Or is it a little bit of both? Is it how you fight all the time, but you always make up? Is it how jealous he gets? Or how jealous you get? Is it the fact that he said no to the skank who wants him? Is it that he's willing to wait? What is love? Does anybody really know? I don't really know what love is.

But I can tell you what I think it is, I think love is the blush that covers your cheeks when he teases you. I think love is the thoughts that cross your mind when you first meet him. I think love is that flash in his eyes when he first realizes that you like him back.

Love is confusing. Love is demanding. Love is sadness. Love is happiness. Love is the wind in summertime. Love is fun. Love is tears of joy and pain. Love is believing. Love is friendship. Love is that moment that passes right before the flash of a camera. Love is the feeling you get on Christmas morning. Love is hating him and loving him at the same time.

I don't know what love it. I have no clue what it means to love someone outside of the family, I'm just a little bit clueless when it comes to that. I know what I think it is. And I know what the actual meaning of the word is, but to actually experience it is just a bit different than pointless words in a dictionary. I don't know what love is, but I know I'm in it. I love Eli Goldsworthy, and he loves me. I don't know how I know, I guess its that look he gives me, or maybe its the smirk that says it all. But I honestly think, it's how he knows me, through and through. And still chooses to be with me. He knows all my insecurities and my problems, he knows my fears and he still looks at me like I'm the only thing that matters. I probably won't ever know what love really is. I'll just have to continue you to think about it, but honestly I won't ever know. Because love is something that can be explained.

It was not made to be understood. It was made to be felt.

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ok so honestly I don't know how this got in my head, it just kinda popped n2 my head and I knew I had to write it down. so I did. hope u enjoyed.


	2. Pain is

I know how pain feels, but do I really know what it is?

What is pain? You may be thinking "Oh, I know. I've been through a lot. I know what pain is, you don't." But have you really been through pain? Yes, maybe your mom yells at you, and yes maybe your dad is in jail, and yeah I know it hurts.

But pain isn't just the emotion that makes you think "Well I screwed up. Now I feel like shit. I need a good cry." and then you cry and go on your way.

Pain is that feeling you get when you're about to cry, you know, when your throat tightens up and it's hard to breath without sobbing.

Pain is feeling like you have no other option than to put that blade to your wrists.

Pain is lying and deception. Pain is hunger and war. Pain is confusion and chaos.

Sometimes pain is unbearable, sometimes it's easier to deal with.

I never knew actual pain, until I met Eli, I mean.. dead ex-girlfriend, hoarding, drug abuse(1), his parents are never really home, he has to fend for himself.

He had, well has, some serious emotional baggage, things that most people don't deal with until their well into their twenties. Eli is strong. He's a fighter.

But as everyone who has been through something as horrible as that knows, you can only fight the lie that giving up is the way for so long.

And I'm terrified of the day he decides it's not worth it anymore... and gives up.

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I figured I should continue this... hope yall enjoy... and PLEASE REVIEW!

(1) I wrote this in like the past tense, so in this chapter they are not together, I was also kinda writing about him dealing with Julia so idk if Eli abused drugs before the whole Jake thing (I honestly don't think he did because he asked if he had to inhale... but u nvr kno) but I can see him doing that during the first few months maybe even longer after Julia died. okay im done. love yall! bye now.


	3. What is happiness?

What is happiness? I wish I knew, I've been in sadness and anger my whole life, I think I attract death, in this order our the deaths in my life. When I was six my pet hamster Mr. Fatty died, when I was eight my pet dog Scamp got hit be a car, when I was nine my gold fish Herman got ate my the neighbors cat that ran in the house when we weren't looking, when I was twelve my grandma died, when I was thirteen my grandpa died (exactly a year after my grandma died which was on my birthday) and when I was fifteen Julia got hit by a car.

I attract death, Clare and my mom and whoever else can spout that shit about it "being a part of life" as much as they want.

I got off track, guess Clare was right when she said that I was wordy. Happiness is a part of life right? I know I've never been happy, not for long anyways, maybe a minute or two (if I'm luck it's a day or two) happiness is a dream that so desperately want to happen.

I see Clare smiling all the time. How is it that she is so happy? Shouldn't she be jus a little bit upset about the fact that we broke up? Of course I don't want her to be upset as I am, I would never wish that on her, but her showing any sign of a remorse would help.

I'm getting off track again, happiness is an odd dream that I faintly remember when I was a child without a care in the world. I miss those days. I would give anything to be carefree again.

I don't know what happiness is. It's just a dream that will never be true for me.

What does it mean to be happy?

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I know it got a little (okay a lot) wordy and it got off track a lot, but I was trying to get into Eli's head and the show said he was wordy, and it also said his pills made it hard to concentrate, I tried to kinda get that into the story. anyways I hoped you enjoyed! PLEASE REVIEW!


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